Goodnight, John-boy: Chapter 33
‘Science fiction? Oh, no. That will never work,’ said Dave. ‘Dave’s right,’ agreed Greg. ‘Kids think science fiction is stupid. They want reality. Like War Picture Weekly.’
Welcome to Book Two of my dark comedy thriller series, Read Em And Weep.
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If you’re new to the Read Em And Weep series, start with Book One: Serial Killer.
Greg was going stir crazy in The Hole. He had graduated from spinning a pen in the air and catching it, to spinning a scalpel in the air and catching it by the handle.
‘Will you stop doing that, Greg?’ said Joy.
Greg was feeling particularly despondent after the lacklustre reactions to the game in the Laarf! Olympic Special that had just been rushed out.
‘We only got one reader’s letter. And he wrote in to say he didn’t understand it. Despite the clearly written, simple fucking rules.’ He looked bitterly at Dave. ‘All those squat thrusts, all those press-ups I did. For nothing.’
Dave looked sympathetic. ‘Not for nothing. I enjoyed them, Greg.’
‘What’s the matter with them, man? Are they stupid?’ asked Greg. He threw the scalpel into the air again.
‘I fear so,’ sighed Dave. ‘At least Spanker readers read the comic the right way up.’
‘Greg!’ warned Joy.
‘It’s all right, Joy,’ he said, catching it. ‘It’s just like Russian roulette. Only you don’t die. You go to A&E. And I’ve become really good at it. ’Cos there ain’t nothing else to do here except help Dirty Barry through the sewer maze.’
‘Stop it! Right now.’
‘Why? Aaagh’s been nuked. Seven million kids hate me for kicking the Newshound dog. They’d be so happy if I bled to death. Why shouldn’t I play scalpel roulette?’
‘Because it’s fucking mad?’
‘How else do I pass the time, Joy? Throwing paper aeroplanes out of the window? We’re not high enough.’ He spun the scalpel high in the air. The menacing silver blade spun over and over.
He caught it expertly by the handle. ‘Maybe I should throw myself out the window instead?’ He threw the weapon into the air again. ‘Or set myself “accidentally” alight with cow gum? Hey – that’s a lot more fun than the Laarf! Puzzle Special.’
‘I think he’s been getting high on the fixative,’ Dave explained to Joy. ‘He’s been calling me “man” all afternoon.’
Once again, Greg caught the scalpel. ‘Nearly,’ he grinned.
‘I won’t tell you again,’ warned Joy.
‘I think you should do as Joy advises and go back to your pen-clicking, Greg,’ Dave advised. ‘As we both know, she’s made better men than us cry.’ Greg finally stopped.
‘I think I know how to get your sentence quashed, guys,’ she said.
‘The guvnor’s heard our appeal for clemency?’ asked Dave, brightening up.
‘No. Not exactly. But I think the board might if you started a new science fiction comic.’
‘Science fiction? Oh, no. That will never work,’ said Dave.
‘Dave’s right,’ agreed Greg. ‘Kids think science fiction is stupid. They want reality. Like War Picture Weekly.’
‘You do know The Bionic Woman is number one on TV?’ Joy pointed out.
‘On TV maybe,’ said Dave. ‘But there hasn’t been a good sf comic strip since Dan Darwin. It was the only decent thing in Homework.’
‘Yeah, that was brilliant,’ said Greg. ‘Fantastic artwork. You really shouldn’t have torn it up, Dave.’
‘But I have seven million Dan Darwin fans hating me,’ smirked Dave. ‘So that takes some of the heat off you, Greg.’
‘Will you two clowns just shut up and listen?’ snapped Joy. ‘I’m trying to get you out of The Hole.’
‘Sorry, Joy. But for a moment there, it seemed like you were offering us hope.’
‘There is hope. This guy in competitions sent a memo to Leni to say there’s going to be a science fiction boom. There’s a new film coming out next year: Star Wars. I said I’d look into it for her.’
‘I remember meeting someone from the film at your Time Machine launch party,’ Dave recalled. ‘I wasn’t impressed.’
‘That’s because you enjoy pissing on everyone’s parade, Dave.’
‘True,’ agreed Dave.
‘Some of the images are fantastic. Reminded me of this amazing French comic book, Valerian, I’ve got in the shop.’
‘I’m not sure I like the idea of writing escapist fantasy,’ pondered Dave. ‘What’s the point? There should be a point to it.’
‘Who cares what the point is?’ said Greg desperately. ‘Just as long as we get out of The Hole.’
‘Science fiction does have meaning,’ said Joy. ‘Dan Darwin explored the principles of evolution through life on alien worlds. That’s why it was such a great story.’
‘But even if Greg and I get it right, Joy,’ said Dave, ‘Fleetpit is cursed. That’s why everything we do here fails.’
‘Oh, come on.’
‘Seriously. There were pagan abominations carried out on this very site. Rituals we dare not speak of.’ He looked meaningfully at her. ‘Just to say, the goats left over were very bandy.’
‘Well, Ron overcame the curse,’ Joy said impatiently.
‘Thus far. You know this was convenient for hangings from Newgate and martyr-burning when Tyburn was busy? Fleetpit is the pits.’
‘But we’re moving soon. To a brand new tower over the water. It’s a new start.’ This was something Dave didn’t want reminding of. It meant losing his turret home. It meant no longer living rent-free in central London. And being able to spend his spare money on furs.
Dave shook his head. ‘It was easier getting Guthrie out of a Greek prison, than getting us out of The Hole. We’re lifers, Joy.’
‘Before you finally turn down the opportunity of a lifetime, Dave,’ Joy replied, ‘Can I just point out that one of the heroes in Star Wars is covered in fur.’
‘Tempting. But no.’
From the other end of Mirth Row they could hear the distant, buzz-saw wail of Tom Morecambe’s laugh.
‘You know it’s the Laarf! Christmas Special next?’ warned Greg. ‘Endless shit stories about Dirty Barry falling down sooty chimneys with Santa. Billy Blower blowing up party balloons. Gambling Madd trying to double his Christmas money on the horses.’
‘I’m your man, Joy,’ said Dave. ‘When can I start?’
‘Whoa, whoa. Back up. I’ve still got to get Leni on our side and convince her that a science fiction comic is a good idea.’
‘It’s a brilliant idea,’ said Dave. ‘What’s the problem?’
‘No real problem,’ said Joy carefully. ‘But I think it would help our case if we could work on it together?’
‘The three of us?’ said Dave.
‘Like on Aaagh!’
Dave realised if he worked closely with Joy again, he might find a way back into her arms. Or her armpits. Especially the left one.
‘I think we’d make a good team,’ agreed Dave.
‘I get it. So you can promote Time Machine?’ grinned Greg.
‘There’s got to be something in it for me, too,’ said Joy. ‘And I do happen to love science fiction.’
‘Everybody’s exploiting everybody else these days,’ said Greg bitterly. ‘Why not? Why the hell not?’
‘So the Three Musketeers are back in action again?’ asked Joy.
‘All for one and one for all,’ said Dave.
Goodnight, John-boy is the second book in the Read Em And Weep series and you can buy it digitally or as a paperback.