Goodnight, John-boy: Chapter 34
‘Poor guy,’ Dave repeated. ‘I’m really worried about him. I’m afraid Leni seems to have finally broken him.’ ‘Was it the turd diary they kept?’ Joy asked.
Welcome to Book Two of my dark comedy thriller series, Read Em And Weep.
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‘Should we get Leni?’
‘I don’t think so. She’s still OD’ing on rescue remedy after he dropped that picture of Roger Daltrey on her head. Accidentally, of course.’
‘So what’s he doing? Self-harming again?’ said Joy as she and Dave entered Mirth Row.
‘Much worse. I’m afraid he’s completely lost it, Joy. He’s in a bad way.’
‘Oh, shit.’
‘Yeah,’ said Dave. ‘The poor guy.’
Dave didn’t actually care about Greg. In fact, he was enjoying Greg’s suffering. But he had noted how Joy had shown compassion to Ron when she thought he was losing the plot. This was something women seemed to do. So he thought it was important to sound like a caring human being,
‘Poor guy,’ Dave repeated for emphasis. ‘I’m really worried about him. I’m afraid Leni seems to have finally broken him.’
‘Was it the turd diary they kept?’ Joy asked.
‘Measuring their turds with a ruler after their volcanic ash colonics? I’m not sure. Whatever that stuff Leni gave him, it was certainly volcanic.’
Joy nodded. ‘He showed me that photo-book of jobbies she gave him as a birthday present. She’s definitely mad.’
A hideous wail echoed down the corridor. ‘That’s Tom’s worse yet,’ noted Joy, recoiling involuntarily. ‘It sounds more like an animal in pain than a laugh.’
‘That’s not Tom Morecambe, I’m afraid,’ said Dave. ‘It’s actually Greg.’
‘Greg?’ Joy stared at him in disbelief.
Dave nodded sorrowfully. ‘He’s doing the Mongolian throat singing Leni recommended. She says it will clear his chakras and then he’ll be all right again.’ Dave sighed, full of concern for his friend. ‘Only I don’t think he’ll ever be all right again.’
There was another wail from the Specials office.
‘It sounds like the lethal gargle of a rampant sheep mehhing with a twanging elastic band stuck in its throat, don’t you think?’ noted Dave.
‘Or a scary space echo from 2001,’ said Joy.
Inside, Greg was on all fours. ‘Greg? Are you okay? What happened? What’s the matter?’
By way of reply, Greg made a deep, grunting, menacing, straining throat noise.
‘He’s resonating, Joy. He just has to hit the right frequency.’
‘He sounds like the soundtrack for Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Like he’s about to murder someone. Or unleash a massive jobby. Greg, just what is this bloody woman doing to you?’
‘You should try it, Joy,’ said Greg. ‘You’d like it. Leni says it’s like taking drugs but with no side effects. It’s like peyote or ayahuasca. Did you know it can actually reverse time? I can feel my mind literally going backwards.’
‘Come on. Let’s get you up.’
Greg grimaced. ‘That’s the problem, Joy. You see the thing is, I can’t actually get up. I’ve done my back in.’
‘What? How?’
It turned out that Greg and Leni had spent the weekend in Glastonbury. At the Lemuria Guest House and Healing Retreat run by Nefertiti and Akhenaten near Glastonbury Tor, built over a healing vortex. Nefertiti was giving birth to baby Jesus and guests had come from all over the world, paying for rooms in the B&B, to witness the Second Coming.
The birth was all the more miraculous as Nefertiti was in her late fifties; however the new Messiah was born on the inner plane, and was therefore invisible on the outer plane.
In preparation for the Nativity, Nefertiti had wanted the house cleaned from top to bottom. ‘And it was absolutely filthy,’ said Greg. ‘So it took me forever.’
‘You?’ said Joy. ‘Didn’t Nefertiti have a cleaner?’
‘Yes, she did. Unfortunately the cleaner resigned. She was afraid she might vacuum up baby Jesus by mistake. That’s why I had to do it without a vacuum cleaner. On my hands and knees.’
‘But why you?’
‘I think it may have been because Nefertiti and The True White Brother are rivals? Leni consulted the pendulum and it said it was a great chance to clean my aura at the same time. It said her own aura was okay.’
‘I bet it did,’ growled Joy.
‘And I’d already messed up my back from carrying her suitcase of rocks.’
‘This is insane,’ sighed Joy. ‘You’ve got to finish with her, Greg.’
‘I think we should do this gradually,’ warned Dave. ‘Like deprogramming someone who’s been in a cult.’
Greg had started throat singing again; he sounded like a didgeridoo in pain.
‘Stop, Greg. Right now. D’you hear?’ Greg stopped. ‘Now, you’ve got to split up with her. Understand? Tell her it’s over. I’m serious. She’s a fucking menace. She’s ruining your life.’
‘Er – I should give this some thought first, Joy,’ said Dave.
‘What’s there to think about?’ said Joy angrily. ‘Your friend’s health – his mental wellbeing – is at stake!’
‘I know and that is very much on my mind, Joy,’ said a concerned Dave. ‘However …’
‘However? What’s to “however”?’
‘However, if Greg dumps Leni now, it will probably mean we won’t get out of The Hole and she won’t let us do the science fiction comic.’
Joy paused to consider. ‘Hmm.’
Dave added gently, ‘I really think we should take his deprogramming slowly, Joy. Let’s not be in a rush. He is very vulnerable.’
‘Okay, carry on, Greg. If you can just hit that right note, you should clear your chakras.’
Goodnight, John-boy is the second book in the Read em and Weep series and you can buy it digitally or as a paperback.